enginefailure

today i sat in the hall outside the courtroom, waiting for them to call the jurors back into the court room.
i ate an entire pack of starburst just sitting there, watching the other jurors try to form momentary friendships with each other.
a few people would float between groups, if they could make the group laugh, or were able to laugh with the group, they would stick to it for the duration of the recess.
but during the next recess there was the same awkward mulling between groups.
it’s not that i am any better than these people, i too thought about meandering about, just close enough to a group so that they could feel my smile, and maybe even get the chance to make a group laugh.
but i just don’t have it in me. the case we are invovled in could ruin a few families lives, and i just don’t feel it’s appropriate to pretend that the horrific events that happen inside the court aren’t at the front of my mind.

i see these people, and maybe they are unaffected, or maybe this is there mechanism to cope. i can’t just turn it off.

i don’t watch much news because i don’t care to see other peoples misery, i don’t look at accidents on the freeway anymore cause i don’t need to be the audience to other peoples tragedies.
i remember when rosie quit the dispatching job, and one of the biggest reasons was because she saw the apathy surrounding her with the people that dealt with horrible events on the emergency calls. it was one of the most amazing things i have ever seen someone do, to just be able to walk away from a secure, well paying job, that was turning people emotionally numb.
don’t get me wrong, i think it takes guts to be able to do those jobs, but i just happen to feel pretty lucky to be in love with the one that walked away from it.

tomorrow is another day in court, and i’m looking forward to it being over soon.

they will find us under your blue grey sky, clouds pushing in on all sides as thunderstorms connect the earth with heaven.
on the hood of our car, with clothes disheveled, we watch the radio towers with half closed eyes as if they are going to begin talking to us
and they do…

the sci fi lullabies surround us, flowing into and through us
a subtle warm wind blows
you are my heaven

i’d cut your name into my arms with broken glass if you asked me to but you never will because you know you’ll never need to. i will be right here.