enginefailure

i never had it figured out.
or at least that’s what i have to tell myself.
but i did, it just rested on too many variables.
i checked and rechecked my math.
but you never showed me the cards you had in your deck.
whose values never made it into my equation.

sitting in the dusk amidst someone’s piano playing.
i don’t want to do this anymore.
it feels like maybe a few more months, and it will all be over.
my crippled organs are no longer playing the beautiful sounds they once did.
i will fall over, again, for the last time.

believe in yourself, because i believe in you.
if it’s the last thing i do…
i will believe in you.

i was afraid
that i would eat your brains
cause i am evil
and i liked romance
but romance is dead
and zombies are ever the trend

i dont believe a thing i say.

i never want to see this town again.

today i sat in the hall outside the courtroom, waiting for them to call the jurors back into the court room.
i ate an entire pack of starburst just sitting there, watching the other jurors try to form momentary friendships with each other.
a few people would float between groups, if they could make the group laugh, or were able to laugh with the group, they would stick to it for the duration of the recess.
but during the next recess there was the same awkward mulling between groups.
it’s not that i am any better than these people, i too thought about meandering about, just close enough to a group so that they could feel my smile, and maybe even get the chance to make a group laugh.
but i just don’t have it in me. the case we are invovled in could ruin a few families lives, and i just don’t feel it’s appropriate to pretend that the horrific events that happen inside the court aren’t at the front of my mind.

i see these people, and maybe they are unaffected, or maybe this is there mechanism to cope. i can’t just turn it off.

i don’t watch much news because i don’t care to see other peoples misery, i don’t look at accidents on the freeway anymore cause i don’t need to be the audience to other peoples tragedies.
i remember when rosie quit the dispatching job, and one of the biggest reasons was because she saw the apathy surrounding her with the people that dealt with horrible events on the emergency calls. it was one of the most amazing things i have ever seen someone do, to just be able to walk away from a secure, well paying job, that was turning people emotionally numb.
don’t get me wrong, i think it takes guts to be able to do those jobs, but i just happen to feel pretty lucky to be in love with the one that walked away from it.

tomorrow is another day in court, and i’m looking forward to it being over soon.

they will find us under your blue grey sky, clouds pushing in on all sides as thunderstorms connect the earth with heaven.
on the hood of our car, with clothes disheveled, we watch the radio towers with half closed eyes as if they are going to begin talking to us
and they do…

the sci fi lullabies surround us, flowing into and through us
a subtle warm wind blows
you are my heaven

i’d cut your name into my arms with broken glass if you asked me to but you never will because you know you’ll never need to. i will be right here.

the comets dust enters the atmosphere, and gets caught up in our weather systems
and in turn gets rained down on us and guess what…
i’ve had more than what i deserve of it all. i own it like the gathering of ghosts that look after me.
it runs thru me and fuck, you will want to take the collective thoughts of all in my world to figure me out
this audience is so small, you all know me. in your small ways, you think you know who i am
you make assumptions, and you feed your insecurities with who you want me to be, but you know deep inside that i am better than what you make me
what does that feel like, to know you will never see the flashes of light in a dark room that i do
to know that you can’t see my thoughts the way i do yours.
i am brilliance, i am the pillars of a star building itself
i can fucking walk away from the car crash, and you fucking know it.
i can walk away from being dropped off the side of the cliff, head first into the rocks, heart thru my mouth and into the sea.
when i’m dead you will wish you had spent all your moments with me because the hole that is left will swallow planets.
and then you will know i was there, and still live, but now only in brain flashes and when you wear my shirts to bed.
this all could have been so much more amazing than just a bunch of words… but i just don’t have it in me tonight.

as with the dawn of any new era, with this august comes a new hope
the planets are about to align with hearts and psionic cores
close your eyes and feel the vibration of the landspeeders hovering by
narrow bands of orange light mark the dark skies as the rockets make their way back home
the heartstrong citizens have amassed in the open fields to hold a vigilant watch over the land
the big battles are behind us, but smugglers are well known for their pranks so we will look out for each other
against a falling sky we will sit side by side again
the shuttles don’t run on a particular schedule, but there is no haste… we can wait for ours
it will be you and i, fastening seatbelts and flipping the switch to our rocket engines.

elsewhere…

an old castle is rebuilding itself on the hillside
vines are reinforcing the foundations, and plugging the battle scars
shipwrecks roll from ocean floors to stand as fortress gates
from the road approaches a patient steward to light the path
and we will live a good love, a potential fulfilled

we’ll meet up at some secret place
a place that only you and i know the paths to
down the stairs, around the pool, and over that wall to the rooftop
and the palm trees turn away to watch shooting stars
hope the walls don’t give under the push of our bodies cause it’s a long way down

later we’ll get some pie
and watch the news
and you should sleep in…
dream something nice

cause when you wake up, your world will fall apart

the sounds that swirl in flooded gutters
the colours running from a rainwashed photograph
your distractions are the rats at our walls
but we are stronger than this storm